Take the time.

I was driving to work today and I was think about when I was a little kid and how differently I used to view the world. It was an amazing place in my eyes. Everything had a sparkle and was fascinating to me. Now I look on the face of children walking to school, standing on the playground or wherever they happen to be and the have heavy eyes. How did our parents shield us from the ugliness off adulthood and why is my generation failing so miserably at it? I pray my boys know the happiness and innocence of childhood as I did. I pray I can shield them from the ugliness they'll be forced to face soon enough. Maybe if we all joined together and tried to be a little bit more like the generations before us, instead of rebelling against them, we can save our children from the pain of heavy eyes and heavy hearts. But it'll take more then just me or you it'll take a movement. Lets start an occupy wall street for a cause that truly matters...our children and our future. Just a thought...

Sometimes knowing no one is reading is actually better...

So I have been working really hard to transform myself into the "me" I always thought I'd be and today it feels like its for nothing. Why am trying so hard when Im not any happier? Im tired of feeling so alone in this giant world of people who buzz around me but never quite see me.

I always pictured myself with a big family full of love and laughter.
I always pictured myself surrounded by my family on holidays.
I always thought I'd have have girlfriends to grab dinner with for no reason at all I always thought my sister would be my best friend.
I always thought I'd be that couple that still walks hand in hand out on walks at night.
But instead...
I have never had a "girls weekend" and probably never will...
My sister and I barely talk let alone be considered friends...
My mom is coming for Thanksgiving because my son begged her to so I would be so lonely...
I find out about my neice and nephew on blogs insstead of phone calls...
And my husband is probably upstairs wishing he'd never met me...

Im trying so hard to be a better me but its not working.

Im just me.

Found this old picture of my three boys.

Bewitching, sort of....

So a gaggle of geese and I will be attending Witches Night Out tomorrow along with hundreds of other women. It is the one weekend a year when grown women can dress up and combine the love of dress up and shopping, only with a trick-or-treat twist. Two friends and I will be impersonating the Sanderson sisters from my favorite Halloween movie Hocus Pocus. And I can honestly say that it will be a miracle if I somehow resemble Winnie. Going into this I thought it would be easy to through a costume together. Boy was I wrong! I will take pictures to document the my transformation so I can look back and laugh at myself down the road.

With that the bewitching hour is begining to call me to sleep.

I am blessed.

Im sitting here tonight and thinking back on the day and I can't help but smile. I am blessed. I don't know many people who often, on an uneventful, ordainary day, think to themselves "I am blessed." I know I don't often enough. Today, for the smallest of reasons, I can smile deeply knowing I had people who care for me think of me today. I have friends I haven't seen for far to long share my excitment to see them again. I firmed up plans to go back 'home" and visit next week! I recieved an email from my baby sister that contained the most adorable, slobbery, toothless smile of my perfect nephew. My little man is growing up so fast and I cannot wait to kiss those little cheeks! This of course lead me to think of my little princess Avah Karen, and even though tears fill my eyes because I miss her so much, I know I am blessed to have to love. I came home to my youngest and his new best friend "camping" in the bed of my truck (using all my pillows and blankets- freshly washed) dirty, holding the truck keys and a loaf of bread- smiling and I am proud and blessed. My oldest son recited his entire science lesson and I saw him ten years from now in college and again teaching a class of his own years latter, I am proud and blessed. My dad called me today and I haven't talked to him for months, I am blessed. He cried and told me how much he loves me and how proud of me he is, I am blessed. I needed to hear those words today. I needed to know people care today. God provided that support for me, I am blessed. My husband rush in from work and lites up when he sees me and kisses me hello and I know I am blessed.

I heard a lady say "Remove the negate thoughts from conversation and positive ones will remain." I am applying that to my life from now on. I have been through the most challenging and painful times in my life over the past five years and I am ready to start living for tomorrow instead of in the shadow of yesterday. I only have tomorrow to change the future, right?

Christmas in...August!

Im so excited my boys will be home tomorrow! They have been gone for almost 7 very long weeks. I can only compare this feeling to Christmas Eve as a little kid! My grandparents will be here with us for the next 2 weeks as well. I cant wait to show them our house! We finally finished our guest room minus a few finishing touches i'll do in the morning. What a relief that is! Our home is finally starting to feel pulled together. I will be sooooo much more relaxed once the clutter is gone! Shooting for having a yard sale next weekend. I cant believe summer vacation is about over. We dont even have time to go on vacation before school starts. Oh well at least they are going to home.

Who ever said Christmas cant be in August was wrong!

No matter how old you are somethings never change....

My mom is going to be here today and I feel like I'm six years old again waiting for her to pull in the drive way only this time I'm waiting for her plane to land. I'm very excited for this weekend. I miss my mom and my best friend. I look forward to catching up and talking like only mothers and daughters can!

Whats for dinner...

I love to cook. I love the smell of spices and flavors coming together to create something fabulous! I also hate when I cannot for the life of me figure out what to cook for supper. My family will try and describe something I created in the past which would be fantastic if I EVER used a recipe or kept track of anything I ever make. And this is where MY DINNER DIARY idea is coming from. The plan is (i say plan because just like my sister blogged I lack "stick-to-it-ness") to blog about my cooking creations. I hope to be able to look up what I mage when my kids say "Mom, will you make that one chicken thing you made last month..." Ill know exactly what in the world are the talking about! Plus I have joked about writing a cook book for the cronically disorganized and unprepared such as myself maybe this will give me the guts to actually do it! Let me know what you think of any of my recipes (term used lightly) you dare to use! Bon appetit as Julia Childs would have said! (I love that crazy cook!)

Here Goes Nothin....

I wish my first post could be something profound however Ive got nothin! Ill be over the top iof I somehow managed to set this thing up so I can sign in again later. HAHA Next adventure is figuring out how to add pictures on this thing....